Addiction stories: How I recovered from my addiction to crystal meth

October 15th, 2011

By the time I was done with my addiction to crystal meth, I had racked up 4 arrests, 9 felonies, a $750,000 bail, a year in jail, and an eight year suspended sentence to go along with my 5 year probation period. Though I think education is important to keep getting the message out about addiction and drug abuse, there is no doubt that addiction stories do a great job of getting the message across, so here goes.

My crystal meth addiction story

The kid my parents knew was going nowhere, and fast. That’s why I was surprised when they came to my rescue after 3 years of barely speaking to them. My lawyer recommended that I check into a rehab facility immediately; treating my drug abuse problem was our only line of legal defense.

I had long known that I had an addiction problem when I first checked myself into rehab. Still, my reason for going in was my legal trouble. Within 3 months, I was using crystal meth again, but the difference was that this time, I felt bad about it. I had changed in those first three months. The daily discussions in the addiction treatment facility, my growing relationship with my parents, and a few sober months (more sobriety than I had in years) were doing their job. I relapsed as soon as I went back to work in my studio, which was a big trigger for me, but using wasn’t any fun this time.

I ended up being kicked out of that facility for providing a meth-positive urine test. My parents were irate. I felt ashamed though I began using daily immediately. My real lesson came when I dragged myself from my friend’s couch to an AA meeting one night. I walked by a homeless man who was clearly high when the realization hit me:

I was one step away from becoming like this man.

You see, when I was in the throes of my crystal meth addiction, I had money because I was selling drugs. I had a great car, a motorcycle, an apartment and my own recording studio. After my arrest though, all of that had been taken away. I just made matters worse by getting myself thrown out of what was serving as my home, leaving myself to sleep on a friend’s couch for the foreseeable future.

Something had to change.

I woke up the next morning, smoked some meth, and drove straight to an outpatient drug program offered by my health insurance. I missed the check-in time for that day, but I was told to come back the next morning, which I did. I talked to a counselor, explained my situation, and was given a list of sober-living homes to check out.

As I did this, I kept going to the program’s outpatient meetings, high on crystal meth, but ready to make a change. I was going to do anything I could so as not to end up homeless, or a lifetime prisoner. I had no idea how to stop doing the one thing that had been constant in my life since the age of 15, but I was determined to find out.

When I showed up at the sober-living facility that was to be the place where I got sober, I was so high I couldn’t face the intake staff. I wore sunglasses indoors at 6 PM. My bags were searched, I was shown to my room, and the rest of my life began.

I wasn’t happy to be sober, but I was happier doing what these people told me than I was fighting the cops, the legal system, and the drugs. I had quite a few missteps, but I took my punishments without a word, knowing they were nothing compared to the suffering I’d experience if I left that place.

Overall, I have one message to those struggling with getting clean:

If you want to get past the hump of knowing you have a problem but not knowing what to do about it, the choice has to be made clear. This can’t be a game of subtle changes. No one wants to stop using if the alternative doesn’t seem a whole lot better. For most of us, that means hitting a bottom so low that I can’t be ignored. You get to make the choice of what the bottom will be for you.

You don’t have to almost die, but you might; losing a job could be enough, but if you miss that sign, the next could be the streets; losing your spouse will sometimes do it, but if not, losing your shared custody will hurt even more.

At each one of these steps, you get to make a choice – Do I want things to get worse or not?

Ask yourself that question while looking at the price you’ve paid up to now. If you’re willing to go even lower for that next hit, I say go for it. If you think you want to stop but can’t seem to really grasp just how far you’ve gone, get a friend you trust, a non-using friend, and have them tell you how they see the path your life has taken.

It’s going to take a fight to get out, but if I beat my addiction, you can beat yours.

By now, I’ve received my Ph.D. from UCLA, one of the top universities in the world. I study addiction research, and publish this addiction blog along with a Psychology Today column and a number of academic journals. I also have my mind set on changing the way our society deals with drug abuse and addiction. Given everything I’ve accomplished by now, the choice should have seemed clear before my arrest – but it wasn’t. I hope that by sharing addiction stories, including mine, we can start that process.

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Posted in: Addiction Stories, Alcohol, Cocaine, Drugs, Drugs, Education, Marijuana, Meth, Sex, Sex
Tags: addiction, addiction recovery, addiction stories, arrest, bail, choice, cocaine, crystal, crystal meth, crystal meth addiction, drug abuse, drug use, felony, homeless, ice, jail, marijuana, meth, meth addict, my addiction, outpatient, parole, prison, probation, problem, recovery, rehabs, sober, sober-living, Speed, stealing, substance abuse

22 Responses to “Addiction stories: How I recovered from my addiction to crystal meth”

GentlePath says:

May 30, 2009 at 6:33 pm

This was a fantastic post. I’m glad you shared a bit of your journey. That part about not liking being sober but liking not being arrested was good. It takes a while to get used to being sober. I think that’s not only because it’s a new way of life, but it’s a new brain chemistry too.

What a tremendous success story!

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AndrewBoldman says:

June 4, 2009 at 7:54 am

I really liked this post. Can I copy it to my site? Thank you in advance.

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Esmeralda says:

September 30, 2009 at 1:59 pm

I really liked this story I have recently been looking up articles and reading storys on meth. My bf is an addict im trying to help him. He is ready to he wants to quit he just started a AA meeting yersterday and he did it on his own im so happy for him. He is trying so hard to stop his tired of it and Im there to support him it’s hard and the withdrawals are terrible for him but I tell him he can do it.He just has to keep on trying there is life on the other side of the crystal pipe!!

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diamonds says:

March 8, 2010 at 1:12 pm

I’m a 38 year old mother of 4 children, ranging from the ages of 14 to 18 years of age. My husband has been a crack/cocaine addict since my youngest son was born. We have been together on and off for the past 20 years. Throughout this time, he had other relationships and so did I but we would always end up back together. At this time we are presently divorced but lived together up until last week. You see, time and time again, he uses, steals from my children and lies. Time after time, I keep taking him back. He’s tried rehab, 12 steps (but never completed), sponsors, out patient care, but nothing seems to work. For the past two months, he had kept clean. I had been giving him “privileges” as time went on, such as letting him take my children to Dr. appointments, letting him stay at home by himself, giving him small amounts of money (supervised). Last week, he took my truck to take my son to an appointment and never came back. I got that old familiar feeling that something was wrong, well, I was right. I eventually made some calls to police officers (which happen to be friends of mine) and I found my truck parked around the corner from a “crack house”. I picked up my truck and left, at this point, he still had my house keys. I did not hear from him until the following morning. I was very upset, disappointed, confused and needless to say, I felt betrayed. He told me to meet him at a close by store and told him he could not come back to the house. He told me he had a slip and he wanted to come back. I said no and demanded he give me my house keys which he refused to do so. I left to work. In the meantime, my oldest son was at home. He called my son and told him he would give him the keys and again to meet him at the store. My son went to the store and which time, he went to the house (while my son was at the store) at stole my children’s X-Box and some games. My son now feels betrayed by his father and doesn’t want to have anything to do with him, this is not the first time he does this type of thing to him. Since the day this happened, my husband had been out on the street and I really don’t know where. He sends me texts with messages like “God forgive you”. I guess he knows that I feel guilty about not letting him come back home. Did I make the right decision? Please advise……………..

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Adi Jaffe says:

March 8, 2010 at 8:22 pm

Diamonds, that’s one hell of a story, so much so that I’d love to publish it on the site one day.

In regards to your question: The right decision is an elusive concept since no one can know what the outcome would be if you made any one of a whole set of different decisions. In my opinion, you made the right decision save for one other option: Sending him back to a long-term residential treatment.

Your (ex)husband sounds like a classic chronically relapsing addict. As I’ve talked about in other posts, for someone like your husband, I believe long term, like 6-12 month treatment, is necessary.

No doubt, such an option can be expensive unless he can go to a Salvation Army or similar option. Additionally, you may simply be too sick of him to put in the effort and I don’t think anyone would blame you…

If you feel like it, send me an email and I’ll see if I can help you find a place.
.-= Adi Jaffe´s last blog ..What makes the 12 steps (and other social support groups) a good part of addiction treatment aftercare? =-.

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diamonds says:

March 18, 2010 at 9:22 am

Sorry for the delay, I only have access to internet when I’m at work…….I wouldn’t mind you publishing this story, maybe i can help someone else out too…….

Thank you for your response……..i would like to find some help for him. He is still out on the streets. I have been helping him (somewhat) and wish for him to get better. but i would’nt know where to start with getting him into a facility. I’ve even contemplated calling the “INTERVENTION” you know, the show on TV. Needless to say, my income would not allow me to support his rehab financially and my insurance which he is a part off, does not cover this type of illness. I would welcome any help i can get for him. I know he is open to any help. I do still love him. NOT BECAUSE OF, BUT INSPITE OF…..
Diamonds

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Anon says:

March 27, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Thanks for the article… I really needed to read those words.

I’m a meth addict who is desperately looking for recovery.

I have been with the NA group for about a year now but just can’t seem to stay clean for longer than 5 months. I’ve relapsed so many times I’ve lost count and am so ashamed of myself as I sit here typing just two days into my umpteenth relapse- I hate doing this to myself and I want the insanity to stop… but like a fool I keep repeating this cycle.

I feel like I’m losing my mind because I HATE this drug and what it’s doing to me and I genuinely don’t want to do this anymore but yet I can’t stop myself from giving into my clearly irrational obsession to use it. I’m losing confidence in my own sanity- when I look at my situation from the outside in, I can’t help but see a crazy person- I KNOW why I want to quit… I WANT recovery and sobriety so badly… but yet I ignore these very thoughts and use. I don’t even know WHY I do.

How do I stop the madness? When I first realised I have a problem, I was under the impression that I needed to change my mindset. In all honestly, my mind is dead-set against meth… but I can’t stay away from it.

I’m a teacher at a school for children with special needs- I love my job! You say that I get to choose what the bottom will be for me- I don’t want it to be my losing this job.

So where to from here?

I’ve thought about rehab but it seems so pointless when I know that I’ve been clean for a period of five months with the help of NA but relapsed just before the 6 month milestone. Why would rehab be any different? Secluding myself from society for three months without the use of drugs and then going back out into a world that will not have changed a bit- what are the odds that I wouldn’t simply go back to using?

I know that my attitude isn’t exactly oozing positivity but I’ve gone into the NA rooms so many times with a positive and eager attitude that hasn’t helped one bit. I now prefer to stay realistic about my addiction instead.

I found your article to be practical and honest…your advice is practical and I will definitely give it a go.

I would really appreciate it if you could drop me a mail when you have the time- I need all the help and advice I can get.

Thanks again
Ciao

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MonTana says:

April 2, 2010 at 1:52 pm

I can not tell you how the honesty rings so true in your story. From what my own life experience with life long substance association has taught me, honesty with yourself is the only way. Your path has been a rough one, but it lead to this blog, an excellent education, and a way to help others, and there are many out there. Thank you for caring. This direct help is on par with many recent psychology courses I have taken locally. Again, honesty and good information being the common theme.

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- Adi Jaffe says:
  
  April 3, 2010 at 7:03 pm
  
  Thanks a lot Jan,
  It’s taken a while to get here, and lord knows the journey’s far from over, but it’s always great to get feedback like this from readers. The goal of this site is to help others so that hopefully, they can cut their detour a little short. The notion that it might be working is all I need to keep going.
  
  Reply
Claudia says:

July 15, 2010 at 12:59 am

All i can say really. Is that put these stories all over the internet and everything and try and get our next generation to put a stop to this addiction. I found this story very inspiring thanks for sharing so much. Your story is remarkable.

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Dirk Hanson says:

August 8, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Yow. Nobody can accuse YOU of not knowing how it is.
Dirk Hanson´s last [type] ..Mixing up the Medicine- What Alcohol Doesn’t Go With

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- Adi Jaffe says:
  
  August 8, 2010 at 3:13 pm
  
  Ha! They could, but then I’d have to make some phone calls to old acquaintances and settle scores!
  On a more serious note, I have my story, but I try to let is merely inform, not dictate, the way I look at scientific research on the topic. Examples are great, but numbers and patterns in data show us things that personal experience, or even a cursory look at data, which if you’ve ever tried you know is extremely frustrating, just can’t.
  
  Reply
  - Amy says:
    
    January 10, 2012 at 1:13 am
    
    Hi Adi Jaffe will you read my story and give me your input! Thanks this is the first time I’ve talked to anyone bout this! My name is Amy look for my story about my boyfriend! Thank you
    
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julie says:

August 18, 2010 at 2:26 pm

I am very interested in this. I am a very smart, capable person had everything going for me and threw it all away to meth. Problem is I knew meth was ruining my life but I have had a terrible time quitting. I even have had my children removed by DHS. I have quit thru treatment and 12 step meetings so many times. I currently have a year clean and have had the same job for 4 years. Wish I could say all that time I was clean but it wasn’t. I just want to stay clean and get on with my life. I have wasted 20 some years using and just want it to be over. I plan on going back to school next year which I have done in the past only to throw away again from once again relapsing. I feel this is pretty much my last chance. I am getting to old so I will give it one more try and continue to add to my clean time and hopefully make my life better. Thanks for sharing your story. I know there is hope I just hope I find it.

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mr.biggles says:

August 23, 2010 at 9:20 am

Great article. As for me, I lost cravings for my drug of choice, i just get more and more anhedonic and sick during its intoxication if i spell it right. I do not know whether you did this during the long run or not. But many overlook exercise,its simply excruciating mentally to do it some days, but afterward if you push yourself it’ll give you some relief. it is simply the one thing that has kept me semi sane for the last while. (well an entire dietary and physical changeover really.)

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keisha says:

November 10, 2010 at 8:14 pm

I just want to thank my higher power for blessing me with 9yrs clean and sober one thing i had to do beacause in the past i was a relapser ii had went to treatment for the wrong reasons so for that matter i had went back to using because i was nit trying to change at all this time around i was just tired of living how i was and i surrendered my life over to a power greater than mysself and i kepp surrendering on a daily basis i now have 9yrs and i must say relapse is not part of my program and does not have to part of yours i got tired of spending my money on dope and couldnt even buy a pack of ciggs. it was the feelings i use to feel when my dope was gone and everyone else was gone to so why not give your self a chance you can go more than five months clean just surrender and get tired play that tape over and maybe just maybe something may click on its easier staying off of the drug than it is chasing it. i hope and pray that who ever is trying to stop i hope you stay stopped.

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Vanessa W says:

August 18, 2011 at 11:22 am

Hello; to the woman who’s husband is the addict, I am shocked and surprised beyond words that NO ONE here has mentioned that she needs Narc-anon, Al-anon, any anon meeting she can find. She is a classic co-addict/codependent and this cycle is NEVER going to change unless she does.

I speak from experience. I am a recovering drug and sex addict, now with 7 years of sobriety. I ultimately lost 2 marriages as a result of my addictions. Looking back, I can see that I was never going to get healthy as long as my then husband was going to keep taking me back (we had 2 kids together). Eventually, the last husband kicked me out and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It got me into recovery. The first few years were hard and I ultimately ended up going back out 3 years into recovery. The last straw, and my bottom, was waking up in the hospital with tubes coming out of almost every opening I had. I’d been beaten, gang raped and left for dead on the side of the road. The ah-ha moment was when the doctor, standing over me with the saddest looking face you’ve ever seen and said, “I have no reasonable explanation as to why you’re still alive, but you are. You should not be, given your injuries.” It was in that moment that I realized that if I kept trying to control my addiction, using just a “little” (no such thing), I was going to die. I have been sober ever since.

Now married to a man that I met in program, we have both been through, and go to meetings for NA, SA, S-anon, and Narc-anon. It is incredibly hard for the partner of an addict to come to grips with the fact that they are just as sick as the addict, but they are. If they don’t seek help and get healthy they are going to continue to make the same sick decisions where their partner is concerned. If they move on from that partner, they will be drawn to another equally as sick. There are no exceptions.

I too have moved on with my life and, as I said, am happily married, 7 years sober and working as a nurse. I am happier, healthier and better adjusted than I have ever been in my life. However, it was not easy. In fact, I would not wish early recovery and therapy on the devil himself. It is tough. Coming to terms with my own demons, and getting to the bottom of why I was using in the first place, while the hardest thing I have ever had to do, has allowed me to heal those wounds, forgive, and move on from them to the life I have now.

To the woman who’s husband is the addict–please, please, please, seek help in some anon group. And if you can afford it (even if you can’t there are many mental health agencies based on salary alone), seek therapy to get to the bottom of why you are attracted to addicts. You are 50% of the problem and need to fix YOU before you can ever hope of fixing anyone else.

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carmen brown says:

August 18, 2011 at 11:27 am

thanks for sharing! my story is very similat n i too am clean today!!

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sunshine says:

December 14, 2011 at 7:27 pm

hi, i have been clean for over 5 years now after a very serious 5 year addiction. i used grams a day every day for 2 years of that. i am married now with young children, and i have began to have a great deal of anxiey regarding m health. i am worried of the possible reprocussiions of all that poison i put in my body. i recently had an ECG and was told i have an enlarged heart but normal functioning. im scared to death. just wondered how heavy some of u used for how long and if u hv any health issues?

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Amy says:

January 10, 2012 at 1:08 am

I need help! I am 24 years old and my boyfriend is addicted to meth! He has been using for almost 5 years now! How can he go to rehab when he has a job? He does get so violent, but he still has sense to never hit me. I just don’t kno what to do!? I feel so helpless! I know I’m just enabling him but I can’t leave him! I love him so much! He has only been using for about 5 years. I’ve tried leaving him but he says he will commit suicide(we live together). I can’t afford to be on my own. The job he has now is good. I don’t want him to loose it! Any suggestions? I live in Merced,CA. Since I’ve been with him I know so many meth addicts! It is such an epidemic! Please help. Oh and with the job he has now he has health benefits. But I just don’t want him to lose his job its going so good for him. He wants to quit. Said he needs a week off from work to get off of it by sleeping it off but he has been at his job for 5 months now…and it will be a while before he goes on vacation. He works 6 days a week 10 hours a day he smokes in the morning to wake up then again at lunch time and then again in the evening. He gets an average of 5-6 hrs of sleep every night. So I mean he is not shooting up and staying home all the time and smokes…but it is still a problem. He spends 400 dollars a month on meth. Please help! Thank you!

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- Adi Jaffe says:
  
  January 10, 2012 at 11:25 am
  
  Hi Amy and thank you for writing,
  Outpatient treatment sounds like the best first step for your boyfriend. You can look up options online, or using our rehab-finder, or by calling our number (323-592-9591) and speaking with us directly. Unfortunately, your boyfriend will likely need somewhere around 5-7 days when he stops using because his body will need to recover. If he has health benefits through work as well as a union (?) he could probably talk to someone and see if they have an employee assistance program. If they do, that program could help with the necessary leave time, if not, he should find out from the union whether that would be covered. Finally, he could plan things so that he stops on a friday evening of a long weekend, it’ll give him 3-4 days which might just be enough.
  
  Of course, there’s no guarantee of success on first try or using an outpatient treatment provider, but it would make for the most logical first step in my opinion.
  
  Sincerely,
  Dr. Jaffe
  
  Reply
annon says:

February 7, 2012 at 1:15 am

i am stay at home mom with two 4 year old girls. Looking for job. Nobody knows exept for my partner living with me. He works and also have a problem. We wanna quit so badly but cannot go to rehab. Scared out kids will be taken away. The situation is not bad, still take care of kids, enough food, love and shelter. smoking eveyday for 4 years, less than half gram. Im moody and dont go out house. We dont fight. I just feel withdrawn from world and want my life back and my health. Wanna feel normal. How can i do this by myself at home? Please help.

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